Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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