Midget sex pt 2 tonight
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
