I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
