Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
