How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
