I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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