i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
