you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
