did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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