I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
