chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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