tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Use "feeling words"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.