I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?