so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
