it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
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