is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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