i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
