Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
