she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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