He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
