Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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