I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
