God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
