you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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