So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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