I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
