I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
