She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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