Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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