If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
