You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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