My sheets look like a crime scene.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
