A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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