She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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