He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
