If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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