I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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