wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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