there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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