Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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