all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
