Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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