Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
