Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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