you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
