On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
