Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
