Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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