My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
