I met the friendliest cop last night
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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