I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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