he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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