Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
its liver damage thursday
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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