Since when is my name a synonym for head?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
