Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I need to stop coming to work sober
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
