Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
the gays at disneyland are vicious
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
