Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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