I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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