You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
